User blog:ElloPuppetMK/PUNNY PUNS!!
Here: 1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 4. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 5. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway. 10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 11. Every calendar's days are numbered. 12. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 13. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted. 14. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink. 15. He wears glasses during math because it improves division. 16. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still. 17. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 19. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it. 20. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall. 21. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils. 22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 24. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize. 25. Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate. 26. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre. . With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 28. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large 29. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants. 30. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 31. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles. 32. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. 33. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion. 34. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 35. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. 37. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll. 38. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence. 39. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal. 40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes. 41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization 42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. 43. Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill. 44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. 45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent. 47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle. 48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket. 49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. 50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients. 51. Nylons give women a run for their money. 52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board. 53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon. 54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card. 55. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler. 56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 58. Old burglars never die they just steal away. 59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining. 60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease. 61. Some people don't like food going to waist.. 62. A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'. 63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 64. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated. 65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. 66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary. 67. A backwards poet writes inverse. 68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed? 69. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. 71. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 72. When chemists die, we barium. 73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver. 74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution. 75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway. 76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak. 77. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny. 78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?" 79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense. 80. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients. 81. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 82. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 83. When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart. 84. What you seize is what you get. 85. Gardeners always know the ground rules. 86. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run. 87. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. 88. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese. 90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party. 91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging 92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 93. Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well. 94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet. 95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. 96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time. 97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free. 98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career. 99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item. 100. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability. And heres 25 bonus: 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road. 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" 16. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 17. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 19. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 20. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 21. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 22. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 23. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 24. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 25. Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin says, "wow, it's really getting hot in here." The second muffin says, "Wow... a talking muffin ! " 25. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. Category:Blog posts